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4 months ago

Am I not of proper age in school? : tl;dr Born December, started SD at 6,5 years of age, now feeling misplaced, guilty, and regretful. I should have started earlier. Throwaway for obvious reasons. I (25/M) was born mid-December on 1993. I attended TK on 1998 for two years, then started SD on 2000. My TK and SD were located in my neighborhood, which is a mildly urbanized kabupaten and is only 15 minutes from the border of a major city in Java. I spend both of my middle education (SMP and SMA) in that major city. Both my SMP and SMA were among the top schools in that city (and since it is a major city in Java, the latter is sometimes top-ranked nationally), and in both schools I attended the international program (SBI/RSBI). I consider myself one of bright students, although I'm lazy and unfocused in regular subjects, preferring to venture on history, humanities, philosophy, and religion in search of higher calling and meaning in life, but I do like physics, engineering, and computers. I did not shine academically and preferred to study before exams (serious study habits are reserved only for unas/sbm). I am reserved, have high standards, am overtly critical of myself, and while there are times I acted rather immaturely, the one that occured oftenly and I regretted the most is that I often came late to school (my home was not in that city, remember) and that I did not develop a good study habit, but I am able to overcome it right now, so no big deal. When I looked back on my SD graduation books (with population 90+ students), I consider myself being at the median age among my peers, with boys usually on the older side, around half of them even to me, and the other half usually was born no later than March or April 1994. Girls tend to be on the younger side, the oldest were born on November to December and most of them was born no later than May or June. The outliers include those who were born on August to September 94, although those are mostly girls. As I stepped into higher education levels, I realize that I became one of the oldest among my peers. The July-June cutoff (if it ever officially existed in the first place) were being increasingly crossed by the time I attended SMP. While the majority still came from girls, now I had classmates (both boys and girls) born in September and October the following year. The 93'ers were still around too, albeit in a much lower population ratio compared to the one in my SD. Most were still born on the first half of 1994. From my perspective, there is a difference of social patterns between SBI and non-SBI students. The former tend to be populated by younger students, came from more prestigious families and education background and had a perception of "upper-class" attached to them. The latter includes more 93'ers. The two groups usually do not interact since their classrooms are far apart, with different canteens/gathering spots. The nail in the coffin was planted when I attended SMA. I recently looked back at my SMA grad book and I believe that among 300+ students, the 93'ers numbered no more than 20 or 30. I did not count the exact numbers since it is so cringy to look at all those birthdates. I even find some of my peers who are younger by more than a year from myself. I feel like I'm being cheated by life. I believe that a ratio of 60:40 exists between the first half 94'ers and the second half 94'ers. Although the second half usually born no more than October, with November 94 and December born being super rare. Not only that, these second half dominates school politics (which I was about to try once, but thank god I didn't), and most of them are what we called popular ("eksis") students. Since the SMA was thoroughly SBI-ized, the class gaps were no more and every students were expected to socialize heavily, and this sometimes clashed with traditionally conservative and "frugal-jerk" myself. In short, high school was a rough time for me, and although I don't regret having such a phase, the fact that I was significantly older than most of them sometimes resulted in myself feeling misplaced and having wasted my true potential. I did not limit friendships only to my generation, though. and I befriended a lot of my seniors who had the similar mindset as myself (by "a lot" it is because only one or two in my generation shared the same values), but sometimes I wonder why I did not join their schoolyear instead. I consider my peers as a whole to a have significant difference in values from me. Sometimes I truly wonder whether I am truly at the proper age of my peers. Looking back, perhaps one of the significant reason I was "held back" is that I have a cousin (born February to April 1993, I believe) and he and his family live as exact neighbors to my family. He was bigger than me (I grew up short), had better tempers, and had better study habits instilled since a child. While we are very cool with each other right now, I remember we fought (pre-TK) oftenly for immature things, and I admittedly recognized him early on as a more mature individual. There is a very hazy memory of myself refusing being put in the same class as that one cousin or refusing to skip the TK-B so that I can go to SD with him, which contributes to more crippling regrets. Not only that, I have three other cousins who I believe (or rather I hoped, since I'm contemplating whether to ask them for that right now) were born on the first half of 1993, thus making me look younger in comparison. Sometimes I wonder why I was not considered their peers by my parents while I do share birth year with them. Sometimes I cope by putting my faith in the July-June cutoff if it ever existed, but then I wonder the purpose of such concept when there are clearly students and parents who cross that boundaries so often. Two years ago, for a scholarship admission overseas, I applied for an issue of a health certificate to my sister-doctor. When she asked my age I replied 22 but she dismissed me, saying that since I was born 1993, by the virtue of year substraction I was 23, and she insisted that saying otherwise might have been considered a dishonesty in the future. To this day, I cannot see my graduation books without feeling super cringy and regretful, and I had heavy resentments whenever I meet good seniors whose birthday are very close to mine. Help me cope reddit. Thank you for reading this and have a nice day. Full Article

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